A Prose by JimSlaughter

Author: JimSlaughter
Created: April 12, 2017 at 02:25 pm
Upload Type: Prose, A (18+)  
Category: General/Other | Humor | Opinion
Upload Stats: 1 comments and 156 views

Boys night out (a theological satire)

Confucius, Buddha, Jesus and Muhammad were sitting in a bar one evening...

Confucius got the discussion going by complaining in a soft and slightly quavering voice, "Guys, lately I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand. I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with ALS. Could I get an Appletini, please?"

Buddha smiled as he chimed in, "Yeah, well check this out. After going around my father's realm and observing first hand how miserable and badly treated our subjects were, I came to the obvious conclusion that the very thing for me to do was to abandon my wife and child, and my princely duties, to go and sit under a pipal tree and eat but one grain of rice each day while contemplating my navel, until  eventually I became enlightened. Or maybe I just became lightheaded and only hallucinated about seeing the Middle Way. But, you know, sometimes I sort of miss those good old days when monks and students and other political dissidents were setting themselves on fire. I never could figure out what the statement was they were trying to make. Mmmm, you know, I could really go for some nachos with this Margarita. Anyone want to split an order?"

Jesus, not wishing to be outdone, took a swig of his Stella Artois, and added, not immodestly, "Well, I don't really like to brag, but in just a few short years I made a whole lot of really gullible people believe I could work miracles, and that I was the actual mortal son of God. Of course, I suppose I should give my mother most of the credit for that one. Anyway, folks went for it, and they followed me around like sheep. Especially those twelve dingalings that hung around me all the time. That Judas proved to be a real pain in the ass. Mary Magdalene was okay, though, I guess, for a girl. The gig was going great until Pontius Pilate turned out to be such a wimp and let them hit me with that cross thing. See, they didn't get the joke when I said 'I am the son of God, and I am the son of Man.' I mean, c'mon people, how could I possibly be both? And no, Connie, I will not attempt to turn this beer into wine just for your amusement. I only tried that once before with water, and it didn't work then, anyway, no matter what people say. You see, that's what I mean by gullible. And now, after all these years, they're still misunderstanding, misconceiving, and misquoting me. And they're still hijacking my name to use as an excuse for all kinds of heinous atrocities and power struggles. And now they've finally succeeded in utterly eroding everything that had once been so beautiful about me and the message I was trying to get across to mankind. And to this day they're still arguing among themselves as to whether their God is one entity or three. Sure, some Nachos Supreme would be great."

And then Muhammad, by now into his third or fourth Gin Rickey, casually offered, "You got that right, Jesse. I mean, since the beginning of time, the ignorant have always screamed the loudest, herding the masses and forcing them to do their bidding. Look at my own people, for a prime example. They defend their worldly desires by citing scriptures they don't fully understand and offer their intolerance as proof of their convictions. But you guys are lightweights. I didn't even attempt to try the virgin birth bit. Already been done, you know what I mean? I just showed up one day and said that I was the messenger from God, and to prove it, I showed them a book, which I called the Koran, that contained His very own words. Now, I took this book bit from a story I'd heard about Moses. And like Moses, I didn't anticipate any problems, since very few, if any, of those dickwads could read, it didn't really matter that I'd pretty much plagiarized the whole thing from the stone tablets Moses supposedly showed his people. The deal was, I explained, that if they would, five times a day, publicly acknowledge this deity that I called Allah...pure invention on my part, mind you... as the one true God, and pay a small poll tax, of course, they could actually worship any god, or gods, of their choosing, which they had been doing all along anyway. And surprise, surprise, it worked! And, as if their lives weren't bad enough to begin with, the whole Muslim world, especially the womenfolk, was so grateful for these new levies and rules and restrictions, they even made me a prophet for my troubles. But they do tend to take things too much to extremes these days. They completely distort my original idea of everybody being tolerant of everyone else regardless of their religious differences. But, jeez, guys! No offense, Jesse! Sending little kids into a crowded market or restaurant or school with a bomb strapped to their chests is just bad form, if you know what I mean. And, hell, I don't mind a little social satire, myself, now and again. I can take a joke as well as the next guy. You know, sticks and stones, and all that. Hey, Paris, je suis Charlie, too! And anyway, I've been dead now for over fifteen hundred years, so what's it matter anyway? Can we get extra guacamole with those nachos?"

And so they noshed and continued their lively, good-natured banter until the lights dimmed, and the bartender yelled out "Last call!" And before they left, the quartet made a date to meet again, same night next week, to continue their game of theological one-upmanship.

They also agreed that this round went to Muhammad for having affected the maximum number of lives with the minimal amount of wear and tear on his own physical person.


Last Modified: May 24, 2017 at 03:37 pm
© JimSlaughter - all rights reserved

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Comments & Reviews

May 23, 2017
Helpful? Thumbs UpThumbs Down
Satirical and on the edge without (in my eyes) stepping over the line. It is unlikely that the figures of 4 religions would meet and get on as well as this but I will accept Satirical licence on this. If they did get one then they could well have a conversation based on your lines here. Something to think about to be sure. Thanks for sharing

Thank you, P. It seems to me that people...of faith (?)...too often forget, or just choose to overlook, perhaps, that these religious "icons" all started out as just "guys".

 JimSlaughter replied on May 23, 2017

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